Wacky Bastards

Sup,

I never payed much attention to Mark Rypien, mainly, cuz he played quarterback for the Washington Redskins, whom he did win a Super Bowl with. I’ve never been a fan of the Washington Redskins! In fact, I forgot about Donovan McNabb, momentarily, when he was a QB there. Rypien’s MVP award in Super Bowl XXVI(where the Redskins absolutely destroyed the buffalo Bills) was much deserved, however, especially since he was Canadian, who don’t get much respect in the U.S., unless they play in the NHL, of course. Anyway, turns out Mr. Rypien has a daughter, Angela Rypien, who is also a QB…….in the Lingerie Football League. Where the hell have I been? Chicks and the NFL are very important to me and being in the dark when it comes to significant developments involving either one makes me feel a little less than manly, which I can generally alleviate with several shots of whiskey and some chicken. Well, i’m already drunk and not hungry, so throw that remedy out the window! What was I talkin’ about? Oh yeah, hot chick, with a famous NFL Dad, playing football in her underwear. Angela plays QB for the Seattle Mist, but that really doesn’t matter……she plays in her underwear! She could be the water boy(girl), and it would still be relevant, as long as she’s in her underwear. One has to wonder what a father thinks about his little girl running around in her undies in front of a bunch of ogling, obnoxious, perverted dudes(like me).

One of my favorite sports blogs, Shutdown Corner, shed some light on this very important subject via another sports blog, Lost Lettermen:

The elder Rypien still doesn’t sound thrilled about it, but it also doesn’t appear to bother him either.

“I think everybody that really gets on the field and watches the gals warm up — the ones that come there to support their team or to see what it’s all about, kind of get that, ‘Yeah, they’re out there in their bra and panties and they’re playing football,’” Mark said. “[But] once the first snap happens and they start smacking each other around, you lose sight of all of that and you’re looking at the technical aspects of the game.”

Now, I’m sure Mark Rypien is an understanding, respectful kinda guy, but he just sounds like a very partial father watching his little girl run around with a football, in her drawls with a bunch of other hot chicks, tackling each other in their drawls. Wanna hear comments from an impartial man watching a bunch of hot chicks, running around with a football, tackling each other in their drawls? Ok!

Woooo! Tackle that b*tch! That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Rip that sh*t off! Uh Huh!!! Wooo! Hooo! Yeeeeaaaaah!!! Gimme another beer Mutha F*cka!!!

Sorry, just keepin’ it real!

Sup,

So, my boys over at Cinematic Method decided to utilize their high school math skills most of us deemed as worthless to give us a perspective on how Taylor Lautner’s abs make chicks stupid, and I must say “if I were a former math teacher, I’d shed a couple tears, cuz it’s brilliant! They labeled it “The Abduction Discrepancy”!  Lautner’s new movie, Abduction, has been absolutely decimated, not to be confused with decimal(for all you geniuses out there), by critics to the tune of a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, which tends to be a pretty accurate prognosis on the health of a film, from a critic’s standpoint. As one critic, eloquently put it – “a soulless and incompetent action/thriller not even a veteran lead actor could save, let alone Taylor Lautner”. Ahh, but they underestimated the “AB”duction Factor”! Now, I usually don’t pay much attention to critics, unless, of course, it involves a spawn of  “Twilight” movie fame.

Anyway, here’s Gerry’s Genius Breakdown:

(Audience Rating) – (TomatoMeter) = (How much critics overlook abs)

77 – 4 = 73 (Critics overlooked Taylor Lautner’s abs to a level of 73, we will call this the “Why-Is-The-Audience-So-Stupid-Coefficient“)

(Why-Is-The-Audience-So-Stupid-Coefficient) / (The Number of Abs Taylor Lautner Possesses) = (Number of Audience Happy Points)

73 / 12 = 6.1 (If I hear someone tell me this is not an exact figure, I’m going to lose my mind and begin spitting at them until they agree with me. That’s how I win all my battles of wit).

Hey, Gerry, I ain’t arguing witcha! Einstein-esque, Bro! Einstein-esque! I dare anyone to challenge this, and this means you, Self-proclaimed, Movie Expert Geek!

Beginners is a film that explores the complexities of love and loss through the eyes of it’s main character, Oliver, played by Ewan McGregor. The story opens months after his father Hal(Christopher Plummer) has passed away. After drowning in a sea of depression Oliver meets and falls in love with a  young, beautiful and spontaneous french woman named Anna(Melanie Laurent). This new love floods his mind with memories of his father whom after his mother passed- at age 75- opens up to Oliver about being gay and living a vibrant gay lifestyle. Oliver, who has had a history of pushing women away must now make a sacrifice to keep the woman he has now fallen in love with.

Beginners is one of those gems that sneaks into theaters and is gone before you know it. The story utilizes flashbacks involving Oliver’s deceased parents and explores the contrast of love and marriage in the 60′s and 70″s versus the present. Each moment is handled with care especially in dealing with his fathers death. Charlie Chaplin knew that the best relief for drama was laughter, which is exactly how the director, Mike Mills, approaches this film. He shows us that  in the midst of great pain, and even love, there can be humor. This film shines a beautiful light on the hilarity, joy and pains of love and will have you walking away with a smile because it shows you the beauty of everyday life, love and comforts you in it’s portrayal of the loss of a loved one.

You may be reading this and thinking to yourself “but what the heck is Beginners about?” Well it’s about a lot of things and it’s layers run deep, so your best bet is to just go see it.

Deleon’s Final Dish: Superb story, great cast and wonderful direction, which means “be sure and check this one out”. Any true movie fan will enjoy it. Promise!

Sup,

I once went to a dinner where ham was promised but no ham was served. I asked wtf happened and heard “they were all out”. I was pissed, and dinner just wasn’t quite the same. I asked myself, how could they have been outta ham? Of course, the dinner wasn’t about the food, it was about spending time with family and friends, but I really wanted some ham, though! I’m sure I’m not the only individual ever who was disappointed no ham was served at dinner, and I’m pretty sure I found at least one reason why a couple of people at some point  in time went without. Dayum!!!

Sup,

John McEnroe is probably my favorite tennis player ever, next to Arthur Ashe, but John McEnroe used to act like a Spoiled F*****g Brat on the court. He was, however, a dominant force on the tour in his heyday. Has Andy Roddick even had a “heyday”? I didn’t think so! And now, he’s old, so what does the future hold? Well, hopefully, not the asinine behavior he displayed last night in his first-round loss to Phil Kohlschreiber at the Western and Southern Open in Cincinnati. Yeah, first round!!! Now, Kohlschreiber ain’t no scrub, but c’mon, his last name sounds like a kosher hot dog brand. Well, before he lost to Phil, Andy acted like an a**hole and launched a ball into the stands, among other things.Personally, if I were married to Brooklyn Decker, nothing could ever upset me!

Anyway, here’s what Chris Chase over at Busted Racquet had to say:

Andy Roddick was unraveling long before he smashed a ball in frustration to the top of the stands during his first-round match at the Western and Southern Open on Monday night. The former world No. 1 had blown a set and a break lead to Phillip Kohlschreiber and had just double faulted to give the German a chance to go up a break in the deciding set. That’s when he whacked at a ball in anger and sent it sailing high into the Cincinnati night.

Instead of serving at 30-40, Roddick was issued a point penalty for his actions and would lose the game without playing another point. He went down 0-5 in the set and eventually lost to Kohlschreiber 6-7 (5), 7-5, 6-1.

The early loss continues Roddick’s lost summer. In the rankings released next week, he’ll be outside the top 20 for the first time since Aug. 19, 2001. He’s won just five of his last 14 matches overall, including the last four straight. Since losing an epic five-set Wimbledon final to Roger Federer in 2009, Roddick has advanced to the quarterfinals of a Slam only once. Four times he’s gone out in the third round or earlier.

I mean, a tennis ball launched into the air can easily be caught, but a line drive would be a different story. Maybe next time, eh, Andy? I know it’s your livelihood, and it’s hella competitive, but when you start launching balls into the stands and risking the safety of innocent fans there’s only one solution: Some serious reflection regarding your future, followed by a group intervention, featuring a staunch ass-whoopin’(and maybe some extra workouts), you rich, hot wife-having ingrate!

Sup,

Remember the Buns Of Steel workout videos that were all the rage back in the day? Yeah, I’ll bet they didn’t sell one copy in Brazil. Here are some Gisele Bundchen bikini shots in Costa Rica showin off her post-baby buns lookin’ like they came straight from the hands of Vasco Prado himself. The Brazilian booty never ceases to amaze me, but when a tall, lanky, over 30 mom is sporting an a** like this, I just have to revisit my fascination and re-evaluate how unfair life truly is that said a** has/will never be a part of my life. Obsessing? Maybe a little!

Fame Pictures

Sup,

I watch “So You Think You Can Dance” pretty regularly, and fixate on a few of the females every season. In the third season, I latched on to ballroom dancer, Lacey Schwimmer, sister of the previous season’s winner, Benji Schwimmer. Yeah, that’s a talented family. I thought Lacey was an attractive girl, with some nice curves, and was disappointed when she left the competition, taking fourth place. Then, she joined “Dancing With The Stars”, and I saw more curves, which actually had me watching a little bit more “Dancing With The Stars”. Fast forward to August 6th, 2011 at the Vanity Nightclub in The Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, and all I can say is “BOING”! What the hell is really going on, ‘cuz I swore, at first glance, “oh Coco’s at  another red carpet event”, but nope! It’s Lacey Schwimmer wearing black stretch pants, with ass-for-days(and you know how much we love ass around these parts), lookin’ like a double-scoop fudge/caramel sundae with a strawberry glaze!(I’m a poet)  All that’s missing are the “Nuts”. Sorry, haven’t eaten yet!

Fame Pictures

Sup,

So Reggie Bush just got traded to the Miami Dolphins, and will be down there in South Beach where damn-near every chick looks like his current squeeze Claudia Sampedro, a cuban model with assets seemingly greater than Bill Gates’. I’ve said to myself(not that I talk to myself often), I’d like to see more of Miss Sampedro, and it seems my prayers may have been answered, as she’ll be appearing in ads for Sicario Tequila, combining my two favorite pastimes – ogling women and drinkin’! I don’t know much about her, but the pic above is courtesy of Claudia via Lockerz, and can I say, “I’m diggin’ the tat”? Here at Wacky Bastards, our slogan is “A splash of fun….A shot of crazy”. I’m inclined to caption the above Claudia Sampedro photo , ” A shot of buns….A splash of amazing”, ‘cuz that’s what it is………..Amazing!

Check out the video of her dishing about Sicario Tequila and more photos at Mommy’s Dirty Little Secret, my kinda’ site!

Captain America: The First Avenger is the story of Steve Rogers, a frail young man from Brooklyn, New York, who after being continually denied access into the military, finally gets his opportunity after a chance meeting with a military scientist for an experimental program.

The movie takes place at the height of World War II and focuses on the creation and the early years of Captain America. Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, is played by Chris Evans with Hugo Weaving as The Red Skull(literally, of course).

Rogers is given an experimental drug which, for their lack of creativity in the 40’s, is called the Super Soldier Serum. This serum takes him to the height of physical perfection. Simply put, he is bigger, faster and stronger than any man on Earth. Upon receipt of his upgrade, the scientist who blessed him with this gift is assassinated by a member of a criminal organization known as HYDRA. The group is lead by Red Skull(Weaving) who, like any other leader of a criminal organization, is hell-bent on world domination. However, all this is put on hold when Captain America steps in(insert theme music). That is pretty much the skeleton in the closet of any super hero movie. This is Marvel’s final movie before they release ‘Avengers’ in 2013(can’t wait!).

Those fans of the Captain America comic book, like myself, should truly enjoy this movie. It has a great cast, though I was a little apprehensive about Evans playing the Captain, I was pleasantly surprised by his performance. I kept waiting… and waiting for the wisecrack, sexual innuendo or “Flame On” anytime he wasn’t planted on the ground and… it never came(aww). Instead what I got was a solid performance, and you can’t ask for anymore than that. Most of the comedy was served up a la Tommy Lee Jones as Colonel Chester Phillips. Directed by Joe Johnston(Wolfman, Jurassic Park III) the film is an origin story(which I love) and with so much to tell he does a good job of  consolidating it without the film getting bogged down………it kept moving. The action sequences were well done, with subtle digital effects here and there, “subtlety” being the key word as nothing felt out of place here.

So, if you were on the fence and skeptical, like me, about seeing this movie, then let me put your skepticism to rest and say “definitely, go check out this comic book depiction!

Deleon’s Final Dish: Great acting, great action, great summer fun for you and the family.

Sup,

The tragic, yet miraculous, story of the Chilean Miners who were trapped, in a Chilean mine(duh), for 69 days(kinky), is going to be made into a movie. Where do I start with this one? How about: In my opinion, this remarkable story is movie of the week material. But, wait! That wouldn’t be theater, now, would it? (Luv saying that!) TV just doesn’t do it, right? Who needs the luxury of chillean’(that’s terrible) in your boxers, eating a sammich, sitting 10 feet from the bathroom watching a compelling story? No……We need long lines, uncomfortable viewing conditions, a 45-second obstacle course to the bathroom and a wallet that’s, let’s say, 40 bucks lighter. Hey, 45 seconds is a long time when you have to piss!

Anyway, it’s going to happen. The Chilean Miners have sold the rights to their story, a well-known producer is set to get the ball rolling and everybody(those who stand to make a lot of cheese) is excited to see this triumphant story on the big screen.

From The Horse’s Mouth(Athens Banner Herald via AP):

The 33 miners have sold the rights to their story to producer Mike Medavoy, the producer and the miners’ representatives announced Monday. The planned film will recount the remarkable plight of the miners who were trapped for 69 days after the San Jose mine they were working in collapsed near Copiapo, Chile.

The veteran producer Medavoy has produced films including “Shutter Island” and “Black Swan.” “Motorcycle Diaries” screenwriter Jose Rivera is set to write the script.

“We’ll dig deep into their stories,” Medavoy said in an interview. “We’re not just going to tell a story about 33 miners in a hole.”

“We’ll dig deep”, really? You know how I know I will not be spending 40 bucks to see the Chilean Miners Movie?

1st – I already know how it ends and doubt it will have the same affect on me like, say,”Titanic”(don’t judge me).

2nd -  “We’ll dig deep” was the standout phrase of the article for me

3rd – I probably won’t have 40 bucks

Photo via Getty Images

Sup,

What would we do without alcohol and meat? I don’t know, maybe live longer, healthier lives, but, then, what fun would that be? And let’s face it: Without alcohol consumption, some of us wouldn’t even be here. This freezer right here epitomizes gluttony(Forgive me Father, for I do sin…a little bit).

I feel like rambling about gluttony, so I think I will. Here goes!

Wikipedia’s definition:

Gluttony, derived from the Latin gluttire meaning to gulp down or swallow, means over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, intoxicants or wealth items to the point of waste. In some Christian denominations, it is considered one of the seven deadly sins—a misplaced desire of food or its withholding from the needy.

Now, I’m not talking about withholding anything from the needy. I share, willingly. And, I’m definitely not talking about wasting wealth, as I have none to waste. I’m talkin’ about pigging out on as much meat as possible and drinking as much alcohol as the body will allow(regular gluttony, not go-to-hell gluttony). I do it! You do it! We all do it! Well, maybe not all of us, just the cool people.

That’s enough about gluttony.

What would life be like without alcohol and meat. Have you thought about it? Me neither, I’m too busy drinking and eating a baloney sandwich. I could never be a vegan. I tried it once, and almost ate a person(don’t judge me). I tried not drinking, many times, actually, and never smiled(I’m a drunk, not an alcoholic). Drunks drink and smile, alcoholics drink and stumble!

I’m done! I hope this was an interesting read. If not, go do some drinking and come back……you’ll feel differently.